This article contains strong language and sexual content which may not be suitable for minors. Readers discretion is advised.

By Chris Figliuzzi

Back in my first run here as an Assistant Editor I was asked to come up with story ideas to pitch. Being the extremely lazy person I am, I figured I would do it once and do it so terribly that I’d never be asked again. This lead to pitching the idea of porn reviews, where we talk about everything but the sex. Acting, script, set design and even lighting would be the focus of these reviews. Of course this idea was openly accepted and I spent the next year of my life watching copious amounts of porn and then writing about it, a feat that has definitely not affected my sex life at all.

With Valentines Day just around the corner though, you may be looking for that movie to cuddle up with that special someone, or to just watch alone for 15 seconds before shamefully closing the window blinds. With that in mind I’m opening up the archives and giving you the very best of the reviews, hopefully this helps you get closure with the special someone or a little to close with yourself. With the resume stain that this will cause in mind I selected French Maid by and starring Jesse Jane, which is viewable on redtube.com.

Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start (yes, quoting The Sound of Music in an adult film review makes me feel incredibly dirty). The male character, whom we rarely see, aside from parts of him, is obviously in a hotel room when there is a knock at the door. This turns out to be a maid, in what I believe to be a very non-standard hotel uniform consisting of a short skirt, bikini top and, for some reason, arm scrunchies. This is the beginning of what can only be described as terrible dialogue.

Jesse Jane (JJ): “Anyone order room service?”

Male(M): “umm … ya … I think I did …turn down…”

JJ: “oh … cool”.

How is he unsure of whether or not he ordered room service? Furthermore, every time I have gotten room service it’s consisted of $30 sandwiches and $10 beverages.

I have no idea what kind of hotel this is. Truth be told, it seems pretty standard with nothing really standing out, other than the terrible maid service.

Not only is this guy probably wondering why there is a maid at his door and not the ridiculously overpriced food he ordered but then she invites herself in and starts randomly dusting as if she is a neat freak with ADHD. Perhaps the best signs that Jesse did no research into her role is the fact that she brought a duster to a turndown service, which is when the guest wants the bed remade, at one point even going so far as to dust the carpet … that’s right, she dusts the carpet. I would hope that all people, not just maids, know that you don’t clean the carpet with a duster.

Continuing on in her role as the single worst maid ever, Jesse decides that she doesn’t want to actually do the job that she was called for so she begins flirting with the man by physically attacking his groin region with her duster. This, of course, gets her out of doing what she originally was called for, although she does still perform a job of a different nature. They continue doing what people do in films of this nature. What that is exactly I’m not sure, as I generally close my eyes and think of England at this point.

As I mentioned earlier, the guy was able to eventually remember that he had ordered room service for a turndown, though a simple five-second Google search would have shown that the turndown service is the role of the maid service. Yet, here we are at the end of the film and, while she has indeed done a majority of her work on the bed, it is now way more messed up than before leaving the entire audience, probably not a big crowd, on the edge of their seats wondering, is that it? Is there a sequel coming? Have we been Inceptioned?

Personally, I just don’t care. This movie was terrible. The acting and dialogue was rigid and uninspired, leaving me struggling to connect with either character. In addition, a lot more, or even any, time could have been spent on researching the project. If you are going to make a themed movie, at least understand the theme and what it entails. All in all, I wouldn’t watch this again and really wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, especially those training for the hospitality industry. I would have to give French Maid by Jesse Jane two pillow mints out of five.

 

Photo provided by IGN

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