*SATIRE* Where IS the mayor’s birth certificate?!

by | Sep 14, 2018 | Arts & Life, Featured, Uncategorized

Born in St. Albert on May 30, 1979, our mayor is NOT a natural-born Edmontonian and therefore unfit to
run our city!

How could someone born nearly 20 whole kilometres from city hall possibly understand the needs of a community they have only lived in for over 75 per cent of their life?

‘Birther theorists’ have gotten a bad name ever since Donald Trump questioned the legitimacy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate, and I’m sick of having my beliefs dismissed after Obama’s Hawaiian-birth was proven real.

So, I’m here to demonstrate to the uneducated, ignorant people, the dangers of having a mayor born outside the City of Champions.

Argument One – Iveson’s Ties to the LIBERAL Media:

‘His Worship’ Don Iveson has long been involved with Canada’s liberal media – a group known for its scheming, deceptive ways! Not only did he act as managing editor for the University of Alberta’s student paper, The Gateway, but he also left our great city for the centre of Canada’s universe – Toronto!

In Toronto, he served as the president of the Canadian University Press; a role that allowed him to control and indoctrinate nearly every reader and writer within Canadian universities with the St. Albert belief system.

Argument Two – Iveson’s LOVE for Spy and Espionage Novels:

Donny-boy is well-known for his appreciation of the Horatio Hornblower book series. I was able to decipher the messages found in these political-espionage rags and drew similarities between the main character and Iveson himself.

The most recognizable similarity between Horatio Hornblower and Iveson can be found in their shared tone-deafness. Although I do support their views, everyone knows St. Albert does not allow music, dancing, or fun, due to its strict-Conservative roots. Not growing up with exposure to music, Iveson never developed an ear for it. In an effort to combat this and appear to be a natural-born Edmontonian, the mayor married a music teacher in hopes of understanding tone. His tone-deafness is also believed to be a reason for why acts such as Trooper, k.d. lang, and Brett Kissel are so frequently allowed to play in Edmonton.

Argument Three – Iveson’s UNDENIABLE favoritism towards St. Albert:

It is clear that Edmonton’s mayor has a soft spot for
his birthplace.

If you look at  unedited documents, you can see Iveson’s selfish plans to expand the LRT directly to his
childhood home in St. Albert.

An avid sailor, there’s speculation that Iveson may have even illegally immigrated to Edmonton by way of the North Saskatchewan River. Why does a man order the construction of a funicular that JUST goes down to Edmonton’s river valley if not for easier access for other non-natural-born Edmontonians to reap the benefits of our great city? Is he smuggling in other St. Albertans (St. Albert-ites?) into the city?


Born DonALD L. Iveson, why does he go by the name “Don” WHAT is he hiding? What does that “L.” stand for, LIAR?
If Edmonton’s mayor is willing to lie about something as simple as his name, what else is he willing to try to sneak past Edmontonians?

Latest Issue