Satire: NAIT execs have own Nest Fest

by | Sep 14, 2018 | Arts & Life, Uncategorized

By Jory Proft

As Nest Fest returned to NAIT for the third-straight year this past week, the free event saw a money tunnel, live entertainment, and cheap drinks. But, what most people don’t know is that the higher-ups at NAIT have been holding their own, invitation-only, back-to-school event long before Nest Fest was even conceptualized.

To open NAIT’s new PIC building, The Dionysus Days were held there, with Prime Minister Trudeau even attending the opening ceremonies on Wednesday, where he drank the blood of Edmonton’s newestborn child. (Or so we heard, because The Nugget, NAIT’s primary news source, was not invited).

The Dionysus Days are celebrated by NAIT and industry’s elite members during the first week of classes every year. The name is derived from Dionysus, the Greek god of wine, fertility, ritual madness, religious ecstasy, and theatre – all the fun stuff wealthy people get to engage in while the rest of us are too busy being poor and sad. Students and commoner scum are only allowed if they were brought to compete in the “Dinner for Peasants” – a traditional competition in which the wealthy, important guests attempt to invite the least intelligent, attractive, and desirable person they can find (still not sure why I was invited, but I did win Dinner for Peasants). The Peasants are mocked throughout the night and the winner (or loser, depending how you look at it) is put in a cage in a NAIT higher-up’s office to be kept as a human pet.

The exclusive event saw a variety of debauchery to keep these prestigious guests entertained.

A money tunnel similar to Nest Fest’s entitled The Cash Grab, was held in the NAIT bookstore, the cash prizing being taken out of the nearly $2 million the polytechnic made off of textbooks and supplies that week.

The crowd was filled with excessive drinking, orgies, and alumni fanning NAIT leaders with Techlife Today magazines.

A traditional game closed-off the night’s excitement. The Seven Deadly Sins, a friendly competition is played to see who can engage in as many vices as possible by the end of the night; the winner receiving the honour of having a NAIT building named after them. Despite’s Trudeau’s known history of over-indulgence, he was only able to fulfill two of: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath and sloth – you can guess which ones he performed.

“I guess Mr. Trudeau is not as evil and cunning as the elite of NAIT and Alberta’s industry … his dad had a lot better numbers when he attended many years ago,” said a party-goer.

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