What were they really doing?

by | Feb 11, 2018 | Arts & Life, Uncategorized

In 2013 Chris Figliuzzi, an editor of this paper, wrote some movie reviews. There’s a bunch in our online archives, all of a mature nature. These pornographic films have evolved beyond BBC documentaries of nightstands and backroom couches. Some now have stories, so in part throwback and part movie review The Nugget presents it’s review of Brazzers’ Full service Banking.

The premise is that Mr. Prince shows up at “ZZ bank” sick of paying excessive fees. Mr. Prince says that he has heard a lot about this bank, so it means that they must have some real good sign-up bonuses. I would kill for a zero per cent line of credit.

Dressed in business casual; black collared shirt and black vest, Mr. Prince establishes himself as a businessman. He has a gold watch and holds a wrapped cigar. He is probably some sort of business tycoon but the cigar sends mixed messages. Maybe he’s a villain who wants to murder children or burn down the rainforest. It is unclear if this is a charade or not. A teller directs him to the manager Angela White and they discuss the terms of opening an account.

At this point, the film is fully engaging. I want to know what deal this man is getting. It’s five minutes into a 40-minute film and the possibilities are endless. What are the perks to opening an account at “ZZ Bank”? Maybe it’s no fees for a year, or a 10 per cent rate on his savings account with no minimum. Maybe the bank will be robbed and become a heist movie.

It quickly appears that the film is about his bank account. So if you like mixed messages on terms and conditions, I guess this is for you. But it is so hard to figure out what is going on when Angela is so bad at her job.

She is having a financial discussion with Mr Prince out in the open, instead of in a closed office. She repeatedly talks to her secretary about other customers and approvals in front of Mr. Prince. In Canada this would be a direct violation of the Canadian Personal Information Protection and Electronic Document Act. People value their banking information globally. It’s super illegal pretty much everywhere, and she should be fined, thrown in jail and the bank closed.

At one point she yells at him to give her his money. The man is very terrified when he learns the secret terms and conditions but isn’t fazed when she literally yells at him that she will be taking all of his money. I don’t think Mr. Prince is a good business man because he gets distracted and leaves with a line of credit without knowing how much or the terms of the loan.

I would give it a two out of five stars as “Full Service Banking” teaches the viewer that there is always fine print. From a production standpoint, it is both filmed and lit surprisingly well. But at the end of the day the film is nothing more than a really long visualization of terms of conditions that you can just skip.

-Steven Smith

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