“Elf” sucks: Holiday alternatives to watch

by | Dec 9, 2022 | Entertainment

It’s that time of the year people are forced to watch overrated Will Ferrell movies about him finding his dad in New York. These are some lesser-known Christmas specials for people bored of classic films.

1. Happy! (2017)

Based on the graphic novel of the same name, 2017’s Happy! features Nick Sax (Christopher Meloni) as a disgraced alcoholic ex-cop who finds out he has a young daughter kidnapped by a “very bad Santa.” SAx sets off on a quest to rescue her from a child trafficking ring. 

Did I mention Nick was informed about all this by his new good cop partner, an imaginary blue, winged unicorn voiced by Patton Oswalt?

Without spoiling too much about this festive show of murder, drugs and imaginary friends, the following sentence should convince you to watch this: rubber furry sex cult.

2. Hogfather (2006)

Based on the Terry Pratchett novel of the same name, this 2-part Christmas-themed comedy takes place in the fantasy world, Discworld.

Susan Sto Helit (Michelle Dockery) is visited by her grandfather, Death (voiced by Ian Richardson) on Hogswatch Eve, to inform her that Hogfather (Discworld’s version of Santa) has disappeared, so Death will be taking over his duties.

This meeting leads Susan on a journey to discover a mysterious client who hired the Assassin’s Guild to assassinate a creature that does not technically exist.

Both the book and movie are filled with some of the most inspiring quotes. If you are only going to watch one thing on this list, make it this one!

3. Santa’s Slay (2005)

Two Christmas movies were filmed in the Edmonton area in the early 2000’s. This is the better of them.

1000 years ago the Son of Satan lost a bet to an angel, resulting in the Son of Satan changing his name to Santa… and you know what happens for a millennium. Time’s up! Santa is going back to his old ways, and he is making up for lost time. This murderous tale begins with Santa (Bill Golberg) murdering a family of wealthy socialites (Chris Kattan and Fran Descher) in the small town of Alberta, Canada. 

Yes, the entire province of Alberta is a town in a movie. You might be taken aback for a moment as one chase scene goes from Fort Edmonton Park to the main street of Wetaskiwin in mere seconds. This unconventional movie is a wonderful film to enjoy if you enjoy your Santa as a wise-cracking murderer.

4. Christmas in Wonderland (2007)

If I had a nickel for every Christmas movie filmed around Edmonton with Chris Kattan…it would only be 2 nickels but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Two kids discover a sack of counterfeit cash in West Edmonton Mall and have to escape a trio of foolish criminals (Chris Kattan, Preston Lacy, Carmen Electra) while outwitting the RCMP led by Gordon McLoosh (Tim Curry).

This movie didn’t even make 1 million in the box office. It was bad. Tim Curry was the best part in this film, and it was the worst performance in his life. He was nominated for a Razzie for the film “Congo” so that should tell you a lot. Patrick Swayze can’t “Road House” his way out of this Yule stool, so I suggest watching this one under the influence of holiday spirits. 

Three of these picks are a must watch if you have time this holiday season. The other is for if want to torture your family with a Tim Curry movie.

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