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What do women really want?

Women with hands in air

Note: This article is intended as satire and should not be taken seriously on any account.

Women are confusing. How are men supposed to know what we really want when we’re constantly having mood swings and never say what we really mean? Here’s a quick list to help you understand what women really want.

Flowers and chocolate

Is she mad and you just don’t know why? She probably just wants flowers and chocolate. This is a regular gift women need in order to control their wild feminine willies and keep them happy.

Makeup

Women have an primal urge to coat themselves in layers of face paint in attempts to attract a mate. Men claim to not like women who wear a lot of makeup, but the reality is women have been bred to use makeup as a mating technique for centuries.

Men who sit on the couch and do nothing

Women don’t want a man who cooks, cleans or helps out around the house. No, women want a man who sits on his ass all day and watches television while his wife does everything around the house.

To make less money than their equal men counterparts

Women do not want to be paid equal to men for the same amount of work in the same position. Nope. Not at all.

To be terrified of being alone at night, in bars, in dark alleys

What woman wouldn’t want to feel obligated to cover her drink with her hand in the bar to make sure nothing is put in it, or have their friends watch it when they go to the bathroom? Why wouldn’t we want to feel the need to call someone when riding alone in a cab or Uber, or text a friend information about the new date they’re meeting … just in case. It all sounds like a great time.

March is Women’s History Month, but that doesn’t mean we can’t continue to make history. It’s 2018, these things shouldn’t be an issue anymore.

– Nikita Eleniak

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