By: Elijah O’Donnell
Reptilians Among Us
The Reptilians are that perfect blend of science fiction and government mystery. This theory really picked up traction some-time in the mid-2000s. What is a reptilian? Frankly, we don’t know for sure. That being said, we have got an idea. A reptilian is an alien lizard that can shape shift into human form. They do this to try and further their primary goal: world domination.
The list of “known” lizard people includes powerful “people” such as Barack Obama, Madonna, Katy Perry, Bill Clinton, and Angelina Jolie. How do you know your neighbours aren’t reptilians? You can’t. But there are ways to check. Lizard people often share some of the following characteristics:
- Green eyes
- Good eyesight or hearing
- Having red hair
- Sense a lack of belonging to the human race
- Unexplained scars on the body
- Love of space
- Low blood pressure
So what should you do if someone you know is a reptilian? Honestly, nothing really. They’re mostly harmless. Just be on the lookout for plans of world domination.
Birds Aren’t Real
What do you get when you mix the assassination of JFK, advanced government technology and area 51? Our second theory…birds aren’t real.
The theory goes that the United States secret government had president John F. Kennedy shot and killed after he would not pass a bill that would call for the capturing and killing of billions of birds.
Why the avian genocide you may ask? So the government could implement bird-like drones created in Area 51 to spy on the people of the nation. Advanced bird-like robots that fly about, fake pooping on people’s cars and charging themselves on power lines. Somehow that pigeon looks just a little bit shifter, doesn’t he?
Avril, are you ok?
It was 2003. Avril Lavigne was on top of everything, or so we were lead to believe. This is of course because she was getting tired of fame and would occasionally use a body double named Melissa to make appearances for her. If you were super rich, wouldn’t you pay someone to attend events for you too?
This all worked out fine, until Lavigne met an early demise. Now her recording company had a former mega- star and couldn’t afford to have her stay dead.
Instead of making her death public, Melissa took up the mantle of Avril Lavigne once and for all. This is all supported by differences in facial features, the fact that Lavigne wore pants and Melissa seems to prefer skirts and that photos have surfaced showing her with the name “Melissa” written clearly on her hand. At least we all know that “Sk8er Boi” was 100% original Avril, but “why’d she have to go and make things so complicated?”.
If you’ve got a conspiracy you think we’d like, take off that tin foil hat, find a none traceable computer and hit us up with it at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Photo Courtesy of Conspiracy Theories – Laura Maguire