*SATIRE* Oil & Gas Workers Train AI

by | Sep 14, 2018 | Featured, Uncategorized

– Micheal Menzies

In the growing world of Artificial Intelligence, one industry that is blossoming with investment is the oil and gas sector. Alberta’s oil and gas workers are known for their hard-working, can-do spirit.

But, these “intangible” characteristics are proving to be difficult for many of these tech companies to replicate. According to a high-ranking source within a leading oil field company, the operating systems do not experience difficulty with routine workplace tasks, but currently “lack the spirit and pugnacity” needed to fit into these working environments.

To combat this problem, a team of seasoned, non-IT, oil field workers have been tasked with getting these AI systems up to speed in the hustle-and-bustle of a drill-site. They are called TAINT: “Training Artificial Intelligence with Nasty Tendencies.”

“One of the things we’re teaching them is how to swear,” said the oldest and wisest in TAINT.

He recommends that the quickest way to improve in that department is to add the word “shit” or “piss” to any noun. “For example, if the AI system is responding to a question, or imputing data, we’re training it to respond to those commands with these words thrown into it,” he said.

“Within the day, it was responding to commands with ‘the shit rig is 40 km and a piss away.’ Even if you just combine them, that’s a word you can call almost anything. ‘Hand me the shitpiss, shitpiss’,” he proclaimed.

“Since these systems have the capacity to integrate into our vehicles, it’s just a matter of teaching them how to brap their pipes, and do a buck-60 on the highway. The bots have even come to us asking if they can install lift-kits in the company trucks,” said Al Berta of TAINT.

TAINT says that within only a couple weeks, they started to notice signs that their knowledge was rubbing off.

“I showed up to work the other day, and there was a ‘Fuck the NDP’ bumper sticker on my desk. I know it was one of those systems that put it there. I felt proud at what we have accomplished in such a short time,” said Cole Roller of TAINT.

The AI was initially programmed to collect trash and compact it into “waste cubes.” TAINT has reprogrammed the bots to only pick up “liberal garbage,” such as The CBC, T4-slips, and PPE.

Other noticeable improvements include slanderous talk about the activity of some oil field workers’ wives and mothers, the efficiencies found in laying down lines of cocaine, and subtle jabs at people in other racial groups.

“Overall, it’s showing benefits across the board. I think if other companies don’t create their own TAINT, they’re going to be in trouble,” said the leader of TAINT.

With growing investment and these human factors slowly becoming the norm, it won’t be long before AI is as integral to the oil and gas sector as the ‘Berta boys of decades ago

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