Stamina, durability, focus and drive with a will to succeed, all traits of a top-end athlete. But the Tom Bradys, Lebron James and Connor McDavids of the world pale in comparison to these mysterious, virtually unknown competitors. Of course, I am talking about ferret-leggers.
In ferret legging, the worlds greatest sport, athletes shove ferrets down their pants and see who can last the longest. The greatest performance ever is arguably by a 67-year-old athlete named Frank Bartlett who held the ferret for an astounding five and a half hours in 2010.
The greatest to ever do it though, may be previous record holder Reg Mellor who produced an earth-shattering, revolutionary five-hour, 26-minute performance. Mellor also introduced the ferret legging world to tighty whities. The blood from the ferret scratches and bites show up well on the white underwear, and are like battle scars to the athletes. In my opinion, Mellor is the GOAT.
Lack of attention
As an avid ferret-legging fan, I can tell you that the lack of attention the sportreceives is an absolute disgrace. While ESPN isn’t afraid to air Lonzo Ball stories for hours on end, to my knowledge, there hasn’t been a single mention of ferret-legging yet. This could be due to the lack of fanfare. In 1986, the great Reg Mellor tried to break his own record. Attempting to beat the “magic six-hour mark,” after five hours, the crowd with the shortest attention
span ever got bored and left. 2 500 people, threw away the chance to witness the greatest sport performance we’ve ever seen. The record was not broken.
In ferret legging, there is no CTE like football, no sleep-inducing marathons like baseball, no predictable outcomes like basketball, and unlike hockey players, all the ferret leggers teeth are intact, I think. Ferret legging is also completely clean, meaning competitors are completely 100 per cent drug and alcohol free. You could say that ferret legging is a flawless sport.Still, it gets no respect.
England’s favourite pastime, ferret-legging, only got a slight chance in America. It’s rumoured that men would not give it a chance because they were afraid of getting their junk bit. In Richmond, Virginia, they held annual ferret-legging events from 2003-2009 and an event was held in Winnipeg in 2007. However, the sport at best, can be described as a dying one. It’s sad, really.
In order to revive the amazing sport, ferret-legging officials need to introduce a new set of rules while modernizing the sport for the masses that don’t understand the value of the history. First of all, clear pants are a must. The mystique of whatthe ferret and the ferret-legger are exactly doing, needs to be wiped out. There also needs to be more consistency in the ferrets used. Same size, same teeth sharpness, same everything. Can we make ferret clones? They can introduce MMA style weight classes, ranging from ferret-weightto heavyweight. Who doesn’t want to hear a good ol’ freestyle rap? As the ferrets are in the pants, competitors must deliver a ferret-based freestyle once every 30 minutes. Finally, a female version should be introduced, similar to ferret-busting which was pushed heavily in the past and consistently fell short, like the WNBA.
Time to wake up
It’s time to wake up, people. Give this sport the attention it deserves. This thing should be in the olympics, after seasons are televised worldwide.
Don’t be afraid to try it for yourself. It’s time to “put em’ down” as the pros would say. It’s great exercise, physical and emotional. It will also get you all the girls (or men in the case of ferret-busters) because who wouldn’t want to know more about a ferret-legger? The fame and fortune, will be unmatched.
Yes, I am passionate about ferret-legging, and you should be too.
– Connor Toffan, Sports Co-Editor