Let’s have safe, consensual BDSM. That means bondage/discipline, dominance/ submission and sadism/masochism. By now, everyone has at least heard about it, thanks to the notorious Twilight fanfiction, Fifty Shades of Gray, which is a great example of an unhealthy BDSM relationship. Unfortunately, the book and film industry is not concerned with representing healthy relationships in any regard, so it’s hard to point out any positive examples. Luckily, we don’t need them to discuss it!
A healthy relationship is a positive one. Both partners consider themselves equal and contribute equally. Both partners readily communicate on any subject, despite potential awkwardness and both people are accepting without judgment. Unfortunately, popular fiction would have you believe that BDSM requires one person to be unequal and willing to subjugate themselves for the other’s amusement. This is absolutely not true. That type of depiction is equivalent to abuse. While it may seem “sexy” when an incredibly wealthy man ties you down for his pleasure, it’s definitely not healthy.
Not everyone is interested in having a fully involved BDSM relationship, which is more than fine. BDSM can be for everyone! Whether you enjoy dipping a toe in the water or jumping in, everyone can have a little fun. The most important rules of BDSM are: only do it with someone you trust, and always communicate everything. While trust is crucial, love is not. It doesn’t have to be with someone you love, but often trust and love coincide. With this trusted person, you must discuss everything. There should always be a discussion before and after any “scene”. A scene being the sexy, fun thing you’re going to try.
Ask each other some important questions before starting, and set some boundaries and guidelines. What are your goals? How do you expect to achieve them? How will you track your progress? How will you signal when you want to stop? After a thorough discussion, follow through with your plan. When it’s done, step out of your roles and take care of each other. Ask more questions. What worked? What didn’t work? You both need to be aware of how the other person is feeling and make sure to never leave anything up to guesswork. It should be crystal clear.
So if you love when your partner spanks you, tell them. If you’re uncomfortable spanking, let them know! Don’t bother pretending to enjoy something you hate – you’re hurting both of you. The only real enjoyment is from knowing your partner likes it too. And don’t assume just because you did something once before, means you get to do it again with impunity. Talk to your partner. As always, communication is key. Just remember: take chances, make mistakes and get messy!
– Arielle Trischuk
